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“Gurn in Hell” Malört
Gurn in Hell isn’t here to hold your hand. It’s here to drag you back to that moment you realized your ex really was that awful…and somehow you still went back for one more round. Made with the legendary Jeppson’s Malört from our friends at CH Distillery, this collab is a love letter to everyone who’s ever said, “Yeah, hurt me a little. I can take it.” You know, it’s the flavor equivalent of reading old texts you should’ve deleted: violently bitter, weirdly nostalgic, and guaranteed to make your face contort like you just remembered who you dated in 2016.
One dash and you’ll understand why Chicago treats this stuff like a rite of passage as well as a dare. It hits harder than the moment your ex said, “It’s not you, it’s…actually you.” It’s bitter. Like blocked-their-number-but-still-check-their-Instagram bitter. It’s punchy, like running into your ex at the grocery store and realizing they look fantastic. And it’s bold, like deciding you’re totally over them…then texting “u up?” at 1:13 a.m.
This is the flavor that bonds strangers across sticky dive-bar floors. The flavor that makes you grimace, laugh, cry, GURN, and wonder what poor life choices brought you to this exact moment. The flavor that whispers, “You survived worse. Remember prom night?”
Add it to a shot, a cocktail, or your next questionable decision. It’ll slap you across the face, call you out on your nonsense, and somehow leave you weirdly proud of yourself. Let’s be honest, this is less cocktail enhancer, and more emotional exorcism.
Go on. Take a sip. Embrace the chaos. After all—your ex might not miss you, but Malört sure as hell will.
Sip bravely. Grimace proudly. Gurn in Hell.
Potential allergens: wormwood; grapefruit; turmeric; cinchona bark (quinine); green peppercorn; white sugar (sucrose); your dignity
Looking for inspiration? Why would you have purchased this?! Try one of these amazing cocktail recipes made with Bitter Ex Malört Bitters!